Bondathon: A View to a Kill

Jesus Christ…are we done with the Moore Bond era yet?

We have one more?

God…f^&king damn it.

So yeah, they coaxed Moore back for one more Bond film after the success of Octopussy. He was a staggering 58 years old now, and it was definitely starting to show. I know I said that in my Octopussy review, but let me explain something. In Octopussy, he had this old handsome man charm going on. However, there are rumors that in between 1983 and 1985 he had a little plastic surgery, which completely messed up his face to the point where he looked at least 10 to 15 years older than he actually was, which was definitely not what the franchise needed. So, taken what they were given, EON tried to make an interesting film at least, and it came out to be one of the weirdest Bond movies ever made, if not the definitive weirdest…A View to a Kill (What does that title even mean, anyway?).

The movie starts out with a standard pre-credits scene a la any classic Bond film, with Bond skiing around the arctic in search for a dead 00-agent’s body holding a locket containing a special microchip. Bond takes the microchip and is given chase by various KGB agents. His skis are blown to bits and he’s left on his feet. He commandeers a snowmobile for a few minutes, which then suffers the same fate as 007’s skis. But, Bond has a plan, as he takes one of the snowmobile’s rails and starts using it as a makeshift snowboard to get away (all the while, someone at the production company had the bright idea to play the Beach Boys over this bit…see what I said about this movie being a bit odd?). Bond makes his way to a British submarine masquerading as a iceberg with a beautiful female agent on board. They set off with a bit of fornication (not a pretty sight with middle aged Moore) and the film sets off.

After the credits (and a fantastic song done by Duran Duran, seriously, give it a listen when you get a chance), we get Bond’s debriefing in M’s office. Q explains that the microchip Bond retrieved was the type that was used in many of the British defense systems, and it appeared that the Soviets had created a copy through the means of a man named Max Zorin (Christopher Walken), a renowned businessman and horse breeder. Bond, M, Moneypenney, and Q all go out to a horse race to investigate Zorin, where they meet up with Tibbet (Patrick Macnee), who has been keeping close eye on Zorin’s activities. When Zorin’s horse, Pegasus, wins the race, Bond suspects foul play, and Tibbet turns him to a man named Aubergine in France who has been investigating Zorin’s breeding activities there. Naturally, Bond goes to meet him.

After Aubergine is killed by poison (administered by a dart on a fake butterfly), Bond chases the killer through the Eiffel tower before the killer does a jump off the top and parachutes through the Paris streets. Bond takes the elevator down (literally) and steals a taxi, chasing the killer’s parachute (while the taxi slowly gets chopped in half). Bond gets cuts off and loses the killer, who is revealed to be Zorin’s girlfriend, May Day (Grace Jones). Bond goes to Zorin’s horse auction at his chateau outside of Paris with Tibbet to do some snooping around, discover that Zorin is using microchip implants in his horses to win his races. They are nearly caught, but fend off the guards, and make it back their rooms, but not before May Day reveals that she remembers Bond from the Eiffel Tower.

The next day, Zorin finds out more about Bond, including his real profession as a secret service agent. He challenges Bond to a horse race on a fixed track with moving obstacles. In the meantime, Tibbet takes his car to get washed. May Day hides in the back seat, and as Tibbet drives into the car wash, she strikes, strangling and killing Tibbet. When she drives the car back, Bond is just finishing the course and is attempting to make an escape. When he jumps into the car, he finds May Day, and Zorin walks up, revealing what he knows. He knocks Bond out, and they drive the car into a river, leaving Bond to drown. He, luckily, wakes up in time, and survives by sucking the air from the tires.

 Zorin boards his company airship en route to San Francisco. On board, he reveals his plan to some of his shareholders: to cause destruction to Silicon Valley, leaving him the world’s top microchip maker, leaving him and his shareholders rich. The people within the meeting seem to agree, all except for one, who Zorin asks to literally leave the ship (use your imagination). Meanwhile, Bond arrives in San Francisco and contacts a CIA friend, Chuck Lee (David Yip), who informs Bond about some shady incidents around Zorin’s factories. Bond, naturally, goes to investigate, finding that Zorin is pumping seawater into the Hayward fault underneath his mines. He takes this information to city hall and is immediately dismissed; being told that this is normal behavior. Before leaving, Bond spots a woman he met at Zorin’s chateau, Stacey Sutton, go into the geologist’s office with more information on the fault.

Bond follows Stacey back to her home outside of San Francisco. He sneaks inside when he thinks Stacey is in the shower, but is quickly trapped by Stacey at the end of a shotgun. When they both discover that someone else is breaking inside the home, Bond springs into action, using Stacey’s rock-salt filled gun and his skills to take down the goons, which turn out to be sent by Zorin. After the baddies leave, Bond and Stacey settle down for dinner, and Stacey explains why she’s in trouble with Zorin: Zorin stole the rights to her grandfather’s oil company, and she’s been fighting to get them back ever since. Bond in turn explains his problems with Zorin, as well as his what he’s doing with the fault, which Stacey takes alarm to. Bond decides it’s a good idea to stick around at Stacey’s to watch over and protect her for the night, and for Stacey to present the problem to the geologist at city hall the next day.

(Ugh…this plot…)

Things don’t go over as planned. Stacey is fired and thrown out of city hall, but they don’t stop there. They return later that night to check out the geological and zoning plans for Zorin’s mines, but not before being caught by Zorin and May Day. Bond and Zorin toss back and forth a few quips (“I oughta take these plans and shove them up your…” “Don’t bother Stacey, he’s a psychopath.”), before Zorin traps the pair in an elevator and set the building on fire. They nearly escape and get to the ground, but are cornered by cops, who believe that they were the ones who set the building on fire. Bond takes action, stealing a fire truck and taking chase through the streets of San Francisco. After things cool down, he makes his way to Zorin’s mine by the Hayward fault. He sneaks in by way of a mine cart with Stacey.

Once inside, they manage to infiltrate a small mobile home inside of the cave, which houses the plans for Zorin’s Main Strike plans. Now knowing that Bond and Stacey were right about Zorin’s plans, they begin to plan on how to stop him, but are immediately caught by Zorin, May Day, and a henchman. The two escape through a window and down a shaft, and Zorin sends May Day after them.

May Day and Bond tussle around for a while in the tunnels before Zorin blows the explosive charge early, leaving Bond, Stacey, May Day, and all of Zorin’s men to die. This change of plan leads May Day to a change of heart, as she helps Bond and Stacey out of the tunnel. Bond tells Stacey to leave the mine as he and May Day lift the giant fault detonator out of the cave. They lift it onto the tracks and quickly find out that it can’t power itself outside of the cave due to a brake fault. May Day jumps on, deciding to sacrifice herself. Triumphantly shouting, “Get Zorin for me!” she rides out, staring Zorin, who is lifting off in his airship, straight in the eye as she meets her demise.

(Is this thing over yet?)

Zorin, shocked and angered by the failure of his plans, kidnaps Stacey on his airship and takes off. Bond grabs onto a tethering rope and hangs on as Zorin takes him on a ride through the San Francisco downtown high rises. The ride ends at the Golden Gate Bridge, where Bond manages to tether the airship to one of the suspension towers on the bridge, prompting Zorin to come out and attempt to take care of the situation. Bond and Zorin fight for a while on one of the bridge’s massive cables, with many instances where either could end up falling into the cold Bay water below. But in the end Bond has the upper hand, and, not before a quick laugh, Zorin ends up falling down to the watery depths, ending the film.

This movie is one hell of a mess. For everything it does right, it does a million things wrong. John Glen’s direction is fantastic as always and John Barry’s score is thrilling and shocking at the same time, yet the script is appalling and the jokes are stale. Christopher Walken is absolutely brilliant as Max Zorin. Call me biased because I generally like Walken in other films, but his portrayal of this psychotic businessman is so classic Bond it isn’t funny. If only he had a decent Bond actor to be paired up against (soon it would prove that his part was just one movie too early).

I know I’ve been saying far too many times that Moore was too long in the tooth by this point, but I think they really jumped the shark with this one. I don’t even think he was in half of the movie, most of the time, he was probably replaced by a stunt double. I’m glad he quit the role after this, because I don’t think anyone would have taken it seriously anymore. Roger Moore had his time, and he was done…thank god. Anyone else to talk about? I suppose Grace Jones wasn’t too bad as May Day. She has her own vague sexiness, Tanya Roberts is an appalling actress and not even that convincing as a geologist, and everyone else really didn’t stick out.

But, do I really hate this film? No…there are far worse films out there, especially far worse in this series, and in the Moore tenure alone. It’s weird and it’s cheesy, but it’s oddly charming, that’s why it gets a modest 3 out of 5 for its efforts. I can at least watch it and it will always leave a smile on my face, but at the same time it’ll make me ask, “Why did they let it get that bad?”

I am so pumped to talk about next week’s movie, though.