Bondathon: Die Another Day

The year was 2002. The celebrations of the new millennium were finally dying down, but people had a new problem on their hands: terrorism. The fires of 9/11 were just cooling off, and people were either saddened, angry, or a mix. Imaginative people were crying out for the real life James Bonds to come out of the woodworks and get rid of the Blofelds behind everything. Some people called for a James Bond movie to reflect current events…alas, MGM had other ideas on their hands: the 40^th anniversary of the Bond film series.

They knew it needed to be special, and they wanted to ring it in with a new movie. Brosnan was back on board, of course…even the rather lackluster response to TWINE couldn’t keep him away. He knew he was in for something different with this entry. Things were looking great for the celebratory entry…right up until the moment the director was announced: Lee Tamahori.

Now, I’m not one to completely disregard a movie because of the director at hand, even Michael Bay has a certain charm I can get behind. But after this steaming pile of crap, I don’t think I can ever trust a movie with the name, “Lee Tamahori,” stamped on it. Why? BECAUSE HE IS A FU…no…must stay professional as possible. Let me just explain it in the review, shall I? Here’s the 40^th anniversary film, the 20^th in the series, 2002’s Die Another Day.

The movie starts out with a rather standard pre-credits scene. Bond and some other people that we don’t care about are sailing along the North Korean shoreline. They land and Bond takes the identity of a Mr. Van Bierk, a diamond smuggler with an appointment set with the corrupt Colonel Moon (Will Yun Lee) and his right hand man, Zao (Rick Yune). On his way, Bond plants C4 within the diamond briefcase, and he finally arrives at Moon’s compound within the de-militarized zone. Everything goes to plan until Zao receives a transmission revealing Bond’s true identity and Moon retorts by blowing up Bond’s helicopter. The action kicks off with Bond commandeering one of Moon’s weaponized hovercrafts.

Moon takes chase behind Bond, using a rather large arsenal of weapons to fight against him all he can. Bond eventually hops over to Moon’s larger hovercraft and resorts to a fist fight, until he notices a cliff in the distance. Bond kicks the hovercraft in high gear, pinning Moon back against the fan, causing him to plow over the cliff as Bond is, “saved by the bell,” (yes, that’s actually the quip they went with there…the quips aren’t very good in this one), but soon captured by Moon’s father, General Moon (Kenneth Tsang). Bond is taken into captivity and tortured for the death of Moon.

Now, I really usually don’t say much about Bond title sequences. All they are are scantily clad women dancing with some guns and some song that’s good sometimes and bad other times. Die Another Day has one of the WORST songs ever made for one of these movies. Madonna…I hate Madonna. The song is all over the goddamn place with electronic beats and lyrics that make next to no sense. It’s just simply awful and completely devoid of anything that resembles a strict tune. Why am I even bothering talking about it? BECAUSE THEY HAD THE BRIGHT IDEA TO ACTUALLY PUT A GOOD PART OF THE PLOT WITHIN THE CREDITS SCENE. Yes, as you watch these fire and ice CGI women dance around to this godawful song, you have to pay attention so you can watch Bond be tortured in similar means by the North Koreans. If there was some other song here, some other better song, maybe I could leave it be. But no, they force you to listen to it, and watch it at the same time. Thanks a f%^$%ng lot, Tamahori.

ANYWAY, the movie finally comes back as Bond is being released after 14 months, where he’s being traded for the captured Zao, who was accused of blowing up a Chinese/South Korean summit and killing three Chinese men. Bond is taken to a medical facility in Hong Kong, where he receives a cold reception from M. It’s believed that Bond gave up information while imprisoned (quite the contrary, as General Moon states that he’s been very belligerent at keeping his mouth shut), and she had to get him out before he gave away too much. Bond is clearly furious, wanting to go back out there and find Zao, but M disagrees, taking away his 00 status. Later on that night, Bond escapes the facility by faking his death and makes his way to the Hong Kong Yacht Club, where an old friend, Chang of the Chinese Government, gives him information as to Zao’s current location.

Turns out, he’s relaxing at a gene therapy clinic in Cuba, where he’s set to be given the identity and look of another person. Through Bond’s contact in Cuba, Raoul, Bond manages to find him and grab a way into the clinic. Then he meets Jinx (Halle Berry). Okay, time for me to go out onto another tangent. I don’t usually talk about characters and the actors until the latter part of the review, I know…but there’s just something that needs to be said about Jinx. I remember back in 2001 and the months leading up to Die Another Day’s release that Halle Berry’s casting was a big deal. She was fresh off an Oscar win and people generally thought this was a good idea…well, it wasn’t. It’s not that Berry can’t act, it’s just that Jinx is such a cliché’d character. “I’m not like other girls.” “The female match for Bond.” It’s all tiresome…plus there’s the fact that there’s another Bond girl in this film which we’ll meet later, played by one of my favorite actresses out there, and she turns out to be the femme fatale of the movie. I would have much rather preferred Jinx be the fatale...at least we would have gotten to see her die.

Anyway, Jinx and Bond flirt and have sex (some cautiously raucous sex for a PG-13 movie), until the next morning, when both Bond and Jinx set out for the clinic. Bond finds his way inside and finds Zao, who’s currently undergoing some sort of meditation as part of the process. Bond wakes him up to get answers, but this backfires, as he gets up and engages in a fight with Bond. Bond chases him through the clinic, finds Jinx (much to Bond’s surprise), and the two of them chase Zao outside, where he commandeers a helicopter and flies away. Bond then chases Jinx to a cliff edge, and, surrounded by Bond and a few guards, she decides to do a backwards dive into the oceans below, where some friends on a boat are waiting. Meanwhile, in London, M and Robinson are being scolded for Bond’s escape by Falco (Michael Madsen) of the NSA. Falco accuses M of having an aid in Bond’s escape, but M just replies, “It’s what he’s trained to do.” Oh yeah…I have tons of things to say about Madsen later…you just wait.

So, Bond opens up a bullet necklace, which he snagged off of Zao’s chest, that contains a few diamonds. He quickly notices that they have a similar chemical compound to African conflict diamonds, but Raoul sees that they have a laser engraving of the letters, “GG,” in them, which turns out to be the signature of Gustav Graves (Toby Stephens), a man who supposedly found diamonds in Iceland and has been using the funds to support charities and various helpful projects. Bond decides to investigate Graves after discovering the diamond’s similarity to the conflict diamonds and how Graves seemingly only appeared within the course of one year; the same course of time in which Bond was imprisoned. Bond flies back to London and meets Graves at his fencing club where he is being trained by Miranda Frost (Rosamund Pike), Graves’ publicist and an MI6 agent. There’s also a cameo by Madonna here but we’re not going to talk about that for the good of my own sanity. Bond meets Graves and they immediately challenge each other to a fencing duel, which then changes to swords. This is really one of the better scenes out of the film, honestly…one of two. Bond and Graves really go at each other, and it seems like a fight for the death but neither of them really want to kill each other. It makes me wonder what’s going on in both of their minds at the time. Anyway, Frost ends up breaking up the fight after Bond wins, and Graves gives him an invitation to his scientific unveiling next week in Iceland.

Bond receives a key in a parcel, a key that goes to an old subway station used by MI6. There he finds M, who is much happier to see him than when they last met. She explains to him how the world changed while he was in captivity, but even though his ways are old-fashioned, they can still use him, so she gives him back his 00 status. Then we get one of the biggest cock teases ever. The scene starts out with Bond in an office, where he is cleaning his gun. He hears a gunshot outside and arms himself. He finds mercenaries outside in the halls, having killed Moneypenney, so he starts to hunt them down and get rid of them. Him and Robinson find each other and both attack, but Robinson gets shot down when he and Bond find one of the mercenaries holding M hostage. Bond proceeds to kill the man just before it’s revealed to be…all a simulation. There’s no words that can explain my anger towards this scene…none at all. Anyway some stuff happens, John Cleese’s Q is introduced, we get a wash of Bond nostalgia porn from the last 40 years through all the gadgets in Q’s workshop, and then Bond gets his new car, an Aston Martin Vanquish that can turn invisible. Yes, they’ve jumped the shark. They jumped seven sharks plus motherf$*#ing Jaws in the process. It’s only downhill from here.

Bond goes out to Iceland where we find Graves’ ice palace that he built next to his diamond mine. As he arrives, Graves is just coming back from a record run in his jet car when he meets Bond. The two exchange greetings and Graves delivers some lines that sound like motivational posters. Later that night, Bond finds Jinx at the party and they go to see Graves’ press conference where he’s unveiling a space satellite which has the power to harness the sun’s light and beam it back down to earth to help countries in need I guess. Bond does some snooping around afterwards and nearly gets caught until Miranda grabs him and kisses him to make them look like lovers to the guards. They have sex. Next morning, Bond breaks into the mine and continues his snooping around. He finds Jinx strapped to a table about to have her neck sliced open by a laser, all set up by Zao. Jinx is actually NSA. Blah blah. Laser fight with henchman. Blah blah. Bond goes up to interrogate Graves and figures out that he’s actually Colonel Moon in a disguise set up by the gene therapy. Shocking. Miranda is actually a double agent for Graves who disarmed Bond while they were sleeping. Oh my god. I’m so done with this movie, and we’re only halfway through.

Bond escapes and gets to Graves’ rocket car, so Graves decides to reveal the true nature of Icarus: a giant f$%#ing space laser. He makes the laser follow Bond as he rockets down the ice, until Bond gets to the edge, using the hooks in the rear of the car to keep him from falling. Graves uses Icarus to cut the shelf of ice that Bond is hanging onto, and it seems like all is doomed until…Bond uses the hood from the car and the parachute to surf the giant tsunami caused by the piece of ice falling into the oceans below. I could react to this, but I’m just so bummed out by this movie. I haven’t felt this way since Moonraker, honestly. I’ll just say that this scene is horrible, the CGI is bad, and that’s all you need to know. Anyway, Bond goes back to the ice palace and finds that Jinx has been taken captive somewhere inside. He gets into his Aston Martin, which is invisible, but he’s immediately revealed when a snowmobiler crashes into the back, alerting the nearby Zao. Zao hops into his car, a gadget-laden Jaguar XKR, and uses thermal imaging to see Bond. Zao shoots at Bond, causing the invisibility to fail, and then a car chase happens. Meanwhile, Graves starts to shoot Icarus at the ice palace, drowning Jinx inside.

The car chase is undoubtedly the best part of this movie. It’s the only part that I’m actually quite invested in and that I want to pay attention to. The cars are both heavily armored and weaponized, and it seems that each gadget is matched by the other’s. It’s really entertaining to watch and all, and thankfully, it isn’t short-lived. The chase leads into the melting ice palace, until it seems that Zao has Bond cornered. Just as Zao ejects two spikes from the grille of his car, Bond’s invisibility returns, and he disappears, causing Zao to crash into the pool of water below. Bond drives down and finishes the job by shooting a chandelier overhead, killing Zao once and for all. Bond then drives head first into the doors of his room to get Jinx.

With that over with we get back to the boring stuff. So, Graves has taken off in a plane with the Icarus controls, intending to use it in a demonstration for his father, the General. Bond and Jinx are sent in to stop him by M and Falco, they get into the plane, and the final action piece of the movie begins. Graves attempts to show off his new self to General Moon, and the General is in disbelief. He’s also not too happy with Graves’ idea to use Icarus to beat the West in North Korea’s honor, which angers Graves. Graves retaliates by shooting the General, and then Bond attacks. Meanwhile, Miranda is fighting with Jinx, cutting different terrible puns towards each other. It all gets interesting when the plane flies into Icarus’s beam, making many of the outside panels blow up and making many people fly out into the skies. Bond and Graves tussle for a while, before Graves pins Bond down and is about to escape, when Bond pulls the cord on his parachute, causing him to fly into the engine of the plane. He goes to find Miranda dead by Jinx’s knife through the heart. Blah blah, they escape. Whoopty doo. The movie’s over.

I HATE. THIS. MOVIE. It’s so convoluted and stupid in a million different ways that I can’t even explain. The plot had something good going for it until all that stuff about Icarus came in, after that, the plot becomes so stupid and jumbled… How could MGM do this? For the 40^th anniversary no less? Who do we blame? Lee Tamahori. It’s no secret that Tamahori’s ideas were some of the worst, and I think even the Broccolis agreed. There was supposed to be a scene where Sean Connery came back, being the original James Bond, but they cut that (thank god they did, I think I would have screamed and murdered someone if that was a real thing). And it’s not just the ideas, the whole way the movie’s shot is choppy and crappy. Random slow-motion shots, sped up shots, dramatic pauses and pans. It’s just a pile of crap all the way around.

How could ANYONE have agreed to this? Pierce Brosnan is a smart man, he brought more acting into the last movie, which made it so good. In this one, he acts like he barely even cares, acting like a distressed agent halfway through the movie, and breaking out in his full Irish tones throughout. Rosamund Pike…my god, she’s one of my favorite actors, but she plays this dunce of a woman. The character was interesting at first but then she let her guard down with Bond. Say that it was crucial to the plot all you want, but no. I’m not buying it. Halle Berry sucks, I don’t think I have to explain why. Michael Madsen, you’re great in any Tarantino film, but you shouldn’t be here. And Toby Stephens…I have a feeling someone told him to portray a shitty Bond wannabe, because his insufferable smirks and glares are too much.

I’m sure there’s people out there who like this movie, but I don’t understand why they would. This and Thunderball are as low as the series goes, but there’s one thing that makes this movie worse than Thunderball: no Bond movie can be credited with actually nearly killing the series besides Die Another Day. I can’t give any rating below a 1, unfortunately, but for the few decent scenes in this movie, it gets a 1.5. I never want to talk about this again, not here at least.

I hope anyone who thought this was a good idea rots in hell. Daniel Craig, please take all my pain away…