Schwarzenvember: Conan the Barbarian

So, you all know what time it is, it's time to admire that big hunk of Austrian steel, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Welcome to Schwarzenvember, put that cookie down, get to the chopper, and strap in, cause we're diving head first into one of Arnie's first films, 1982's Conan the Barbarian.

Back in the wild world of the 70s and 80s, Arnie was known mostly for one thing...body building. He was the perfect image of an extremely buff, strong man, and people loved him (for whatever reason). He was soon a household name for that reason, and what soon followed was that someone on Hollywood thought, "Hey, you know that big Austrian guy? Let's put him in movies!" (the authenticity of that is not accurate, don't hold it against me, even if you read this, Mr. Schwarzenegger (I love you)). Apparently that guy was Oliver Stone, who had received the rights to Conan in film and demanded Arnie for the role after seeing his biopic, Pumping Iron (we'll get to that eventually).

So, Stone set out to make the fantasy epic with Schwarzenegger in tow, and it soon became a cult classic...but we don't care about that. We care about what I think. What do I think?

Well, to shed some background, Conan the Barbarian is about just that...Conan the Barbarian, as he goes from a young boy who witnessed his mother and father being murdered by Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones) to a strong warrior in his adult life. As he's freed from Doom's captivity, he teams up with a ragtag bunch of rebels as they hatch up a plan to take down Doom and his followers, and finally give Conan the revenge he so deserves.

So, it's a bog standard-ass fantasy action flick. And, truth be told...I don't really like those. They're not my cup of tea, even some of the classics like Highlander and such. They've always really bored me and I can't really explain why, but Conan was a little bit different...something about it felt so rich and so entertaining to watch. You really understand why this movie is loved by so many.

The story is really nothing to gawk at, it's the usual revenge mishmash, but I think what really makes it shine is probably the characters and those chosen to play the characters, especially the obvious...Arnold. Okay, this whole set of reviews isn't just going to be sucking Arnie's dick, but come on, watching him play Conan is just so lovely. He truly was MADE for this role, and anyone else in the role would just be heresy (I'm looking at you, remake). And of course, I have to give proper tips to James Earl Jones, who still can play the best villain in armor anywhere...and he was hot off Darth Vader in this movie, which made it all the more better.

But it does have its boringness at times. The narration was unnecessary, but I'll let it pass due to its significance, but the standardized fantasy revenge story? Come on...I mean I guess it's only 1982 so you can't ask for much but it's just so...-yawn-. Still, it could be so, so much worse, and that's why I can let it slide for those few things...just don't be a Dungeons and Dragons, and you're alright.

Conan The Barbarian really surprised me, so I'm going to slide a generous 7.3/10 its way. It's old-fashioned brutal fun, with a fresh Schwarzenegger at the helm, what more can you ask for? However, Conan is only Schwarzenegger's second most famous role, join us next time on Schwarzenvember for his magnum opus of a character...you know who it is...

Dun dun dun dun-dun.