Birdemic: Shock and Terror

Ugh...I don't get paid enough for this. I don't get paid at all...but I don't think any amount of money would be enough to sit through this. This is just...a new level of cinema.

You know there's just some things that you have to sit back and admire, even if they're hunks of total shit. Stuff that just leaves you speechless, but they have this charming quality that leaves you staring at it in awe and asking, "Why was it made?" "What did the human race do to have to endure this?" Birdemic: Shock and Terror is the official movie of just that. Birdemic makes The Room look like Gone Girl. It makes Troll 2 look like Psycho. It's a movie that's so appallingly bad that some are afraid to go near it. And I sat through all 2 hours of the bad acting, directing, and CGI to bring this review to you. So you better like it.

This freakshow begins with the normal life of our main character Rod as he drives through traffic and parks across the street from a restaurant. Why a movie is showing me stuff I do in my daily life, I have no idea. He walks into the store and is immediately greeted with choppy editing of the waitress saying, "Hi," like she's doing that shit that Dumbledore did to speak to the entire school. As Rod sits down to enjoy his meal he spies a girl he likes, and immediately begins to stare at her. And stare. And...stare...until she gets up and leaves. He follows after her, introduces himself, and gets her details before going off to enjoy the rest of his day.

Later on, Rod is at work, where he manages to sell some $1,000,000 software to a customer. He, "exclaims," and his friend comes in to talk to him about it. That's the end of the scene. Then there's a scene where he buys some solar panels. Oh, and it turns out that girl, Nathalie, has grabbed a modeling job with Victoria's Secret. So, everything is looking up for our main characters, and they finally go on a date to get to know each other. You know what's missing here? BIRDS. THE THING THAT'S IN THE DAMN TITLE. I HAVEN'T SEEN A SINGLE BIRD YET.

So, Nathalie meets with her mom and tells her about Rod. Mom gives a thumbs up. Yay. Then Rod's company gets purchased by some people for a billion dollars and he ends up a millionaire. Yay. Five minute scene of board members clapping. No birds. Rod and Nathalie go out on another date, where she introduces him to her mom, they go out to a movie with Rod's friend and Nathalie's friend, they go to a bar, are treated to some sick tunes that really don't fit in such a shitty movie, and then they go have sex.

SUDDENLY, BIRDS. They wake up in the morning to find all the birds are attacking outside of their window. Rod can't find his keys so they go to find anyone else in the hotel, and they find another couple: Ramsay and Girlfriend Becky (I'm not shitting you, that's how she's introduced). They all set out in Ramsay and Becky's van, they grab some abandoned children along the way, and they attempt to survive as long as possible. They go out to have a picnic where they learn from some crazy scientist that the bird attack is possibly being sparked by Global Warming. Go figure.

Becky and Ramsay get killed, blah blah blah, they get threatened to sell gas, blah, blah, blah suddenly discount Woody Harrelson playing a tree hugger. They drive out to a beach where they find Rod and Nathalie's friend dead and they stare out into the distance as all the birds go away. Touching. Give me a drink, please.

I want to go all out on this movie. I want to yell, scream, throw some shit on the ground but I honestly don't have the energy. Birdemic is horrible, and everyone who was involved with it should feel bad. And before you tell me something about how it's, "so bad it's good," no, it's not. The Room is so bad it's good. This is not anywhere near that category.

The acting is appalling. The main character Rod delivers his lines like the Terminator, and Nathalie is no better...she might put a bit of feeling into it but it's the wrong feeling. The screenplay is horrid. Terrible lines, terrible plot points, absolute cliches all make up this terrible movie. And not to get started on how easily it all wraps up. The directing...ugh, don't get me started. But the worst thing is the CGI. It's literally just photoshopped two dimensional birds floating there. No. Ugh. I hate this.

You know what? I'm not giving this any stars. I was hoping Birdemic would have a redeeming factor or two, but no. I was thinking too high of it, and I'll never do that again. Screw this...I haven't been this pissed since Moonraker.