Bondathon: Diamonds Are Forever

Fans rejoice! Sean Connery returned to the Bond franchise after an absence for On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, and he didn’t come back cheap. Apparently, EON and MGM had to pay him the largest sum of money ever paid to an actor or actress at the time. So, with the scent of money between his fingers, Connery was back for another movie, Diamonds are Forever. So, was the movie worth the price?

Diamonds are Forever marks the seventh Bond film thus far, and the sixth and last one (canonically speaking) starring Sean Connery. The plot is the usual garb: Blofeld (played this time by Charles Gray…Christ, what would it take for them to get a solid, recurring actor for Blofeld?) has come into possession of a load of illegal diamonds. through many sneaky and slimy procedures. With these diamonds and the use of the White corporation (by taking the name of its founder, Willard White (the real version is played by Jimmy Dean)), he’s manufactured a satellite with these diamonds in act as a mirror, which features a high-powered laser that he’s using to hold the world at ransom. If they don’t pay up, he uses the laser to ignite the world superpowers’ nuclear missile. Basically, it’s world domination once more, and for someone who had such a spectacular plan in the last film, this one seems rather tame, but with more flashy elements added.

Along the way, Bond runs into Tiffany Case (played by the fantastic Jill St. John), our female lead for the movie, who is an expert in diamond smuggling. Together they manage to infiltrate Blofeld’s connections, find the real Willard White, and eventually they find their way onto Blofeld’s oil rig hideout, where they foil his plans once and for all. We stop seeing shots of Blofeld after a certain point in the movie, so I guess they’re implying that he’s dead…but I know for a fact this isn’t the last time we see him (we’ll get to his absurd return scene later on).

So, about whether or not the movie was worth all that money. I’m gonna have to answer that with a solemn no. First and foremost, paying Connery that much turned out to be down the drain, as Connery finally stated after production, “Never again,” and left the Bond franchise for good (by for good, I mean twelve years), rather than sticking around for more films. As well as being let down by his tenure, you could also say that they were let down by his performance. Connery exemplifies the definition of phoning in a role in this movie. Every scene, he’s giving off such a bored face, and a bored tone of voice, that it almost becomes unbearable halfway through the film (fun fact, this was the first one in this series of reviews that I actually turned off halfway through and returned to later). In the latter half after the Las Vegas scenes, he opens up a little, but it isn’t enough to save the whole film.

Connery aside, you must be thinking if there’s anything that this film has going for it. Well, don’t give up on it just yet. Jill St. John’s performance of Tiffany Case is fabulous. She’s spunky and snarky, with all the right mixtures of sexiness and cool. Bond actresses will always say in press conferences how they’re, “Not the typical Bond girl,” and that, “Bond has finally found his match.” St. John is the first actress to actually follow up on these claims for a good three quarters of the film. But, all isn’t perfect, as she seems to lose all of her brain during the climax on the oil rig…a shame, really.

The rest of the cast is rather dull. Jimmy Dean can’t act worth a flip, playing off the stereotyped cowboy entrepreneur, our Felix Leiter in the film is rather bland (he seems to constantly be yelling at Bond rather than actually helping him), and several of Blofeld’s henchmen are cookie cut. The only shining light is the powerful coupling of Wint and Kidd. Through powerful acting jobs from the actors chosen and the soundtrack surrounding them, these henchmen provide a truly chilling on-screen presence. You almost want them to win sometimes.

All I can say is that Diamonds are Forever feels like filler; there’s nothing new that really sets it apart from the rest of the films. While it’s hardly the worst in the series (that’s still coming), it sure is down there.

2/5 Stars.